I think about myself quite alot. Comes from living alone I guess. The fact that I manage to confuse myself about me, may well contribute to my 2 failed marriages. If I can’t understand me, how the hell is anyone else supposed to?
As a child, I went through a lion’s share of disturbing experiences, that in some people, I guess, would have contributed to their total down fall. Through school I was shy, very shy, would never put up my hand in class, or draw attention to myself. If anyone hurt or upset me, I would run and hide rather than stand up for myself. As I grew older, that personality trait didn’t disappear, it merely camouflaged itself better. The thing is, the me that I know now, is almost the complete flip side of that person. If my friends or family were to describe me, they would say I am a total extrovert, always happy, laughing, making people laugh, outgoing, outrageous, confident, can talk to anyone about anything etc etc.
My head is wondering, when did this change take place? Sure, there’s still a little bit of shy left in me, but generally it’s hidden pretty deep. How does this one person (me) go from one extreme to the other so completely? That old saying “a leopard can’t change it’s spots” didn’t apply to me. I am pretty thankful that I have changed. So dramatically. I would have ended up being a recluse otherwise I think. Anyway, I don’t really know where I’m going with this conversation, just trying to analyse feelings, emotions, headspace I guess. The workings of the human mind fascinate me incredibly. I’m an over-thinker. That just occurred to me. Why do your fears and worries seem a gazillion times worse at 2 o’clock in the morning? Why do your problems feel insurmountable then, when the light of day makes it all so much more manageable? I had a song going through my head at 2 am, “The night they drove old dixie down”. It ran over and over in my head. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t shut it up. “You can’t raise the cane back up, when it’s in the field”. That particular line really stuck. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? Let go this life situation that you want desperately to work out, but that you can’t change? Let it go and move on? No matter what the cost and the pain? Hell, who needs therapy. I can therapise myself! Yeah, sorry, I made that word up. Crazy like a fox. Sometimes it just fits 🙂
I'm the Mama - get outta my way! 